Isn’t it sad when people stop talking to each other? Isn’t it tragic when friendships become toxic and vindictive? 

A few months ago I found myself sitting at a table with about twenty others. It was a social gathering and the atmosphere was electric. Laughter was increasing its volume as drinks were being downed. Friends were catching up on lost years. Voices competed with each other for the attention of a captive audience, with the loudest vocal chords winning out nearly every time.

I thought I noticed a coolness between two people whom I remembered as very close friends. I definitely detected some kind of strategy of avoidance at play when chairs were being chosen as we sat down. By the time the deserts arrived I was in a position to place a bet on my hunch, if bets had been taken. There was zero conversation between two old friends. A deliberate strategy to avoid any discourse that connected them in any way was mutually being implemented.  Later a friend confirmed that I was correct in my assessment. They hadn’t talked for years! My friend wasn’t sure what was the issue but said he heard that it was business.

Isn’t it sad when people stop talking to each other? Isn’t it tragic when friendships become toxic and vindictive? Isn’t it so regrettable when people wish ill of others? But it happens. We learn a lot at school but many of the key life-skills remain untaught like how to get on with someone we don’t like or no longer have much time for.

I think forgiveness is a life-skill that needs to be taught. The inability to forgive often brews a prolonged anger within us. Health and hurt can stay in the same room as each other but anger and health cannot keep company for too long. Anger will eventually claim health. Anger is often justified and needs a voice but we have to be careful not to become consumed by it. Sometimes people will hurt you. Sometimes friends will let you down. Anger naturally follows and penalties are often devised. I think one of the most self-destructive sentences to impose is a sentence of life-long silence. I am not suggesting that we have to remain best friends with people who have wounded us. But we will always have to deal with people like this. The vow of silence disempowers us of initiative and the creativity to ‘move on’. Giving people the ‘silent treatment only fans the flames of anger. Condemning someone to the silent treatment is not a resolution but an angry response.

It would be better to work towards making the best possible sense of what destroyed the friendship. Crucial to this process would be independent and objective advice. Even more crucial would be empathy – placing ourselves in the shoes of the other party and imaging what sense they are making of things. Often anger blinds us and we only see one side of the row.

We should always dignify the people we meet with a greeting and never let anger rob us of manners. It’s easy being friendly to people who can give the same friendliness back. It’s more challenging to deal with cooler people. It’s easy to love the lovable but harder to reach out to those whom seem unlovable. From early childhood we engaged in ‘I’m not talking to you ever again!’ tantrums but we should have developed much better strategies for conflict resolution. Such education is the real education that we all need.

It was a great night but sad to see two former friends behave in such a manner. Even strangers would be more polite to each other. Let’s hope that someday that they will agree to disagree, meet each other halfway and start speaking to each other again.