Here is the text of a short speech that I gave at a special ceremony commemorating those who died from the parish of Machaire Rois during 2010. This annual ceremony takes place in St. Joseph’s Church, Carrickmacross. My late mother passed away on the 6th February, 2010.
Death is so hurtful – so hard. You cannot negotiate its terms. It is in charge. It offers no compromise. It is definite – not blurred. When it visits it steals. It knocks us back – even if we knew it was hanging around for a while.
It was hanging around my mother Kitty for over a year in the form of a terminal diagnosis. With that news everything changed. A door opened behind her. Our conversations were never the same again. It was a hard year. February the 6th saw her leave this place for good.
Death can leave us rattled. Confused. We can start questioning things. What is it all about? I remember speaking to a priest friend of mine a few months ago. I told him that I thought I’d lost my faith. We still go to Mass, I said, but I thought it was all a big storybook. Maybe it’s because I’m a psychologist that I want the evidence to be robust and without question. Where is this Jesus guy? Why can’t our dead loved ones send signals of love and peace to those hurting and left behind? Why the big puzzle? I told him that I was struggling with my faith. I thought that it was dead. But he said to me – Shane if you are struggling with it then it is not dead. If you had lost your faith, he said, you would have left it cleanly behind by now and moved on.
We will never have the answers! We have to believe without ever having the answers. We have to accept our weakness of faith. Even Jesus had a few wobbles on journey here. Even He questioned things. Latest science tells us that there is psychological strength as well as spiritual solace in prayer. We should pray more.
Sometimes we assume that we cannot stay healthy and remain hurt. Time is not a healer. The scar of hurt stays. But health and grieving can stay in the same room as each other. We can cry at night, have moments of sadness during the day and still stay healthy. Death does not have to steal our health. But we need to work on being strong. Daily exercise, linking socially (whether we feel like it or not!) with family and friends and doing the things we like again. It’s important not to be your own worst enemy in crisis. The greatest friend of depression is solitude. This is when we cut ourselves off from all other people. We decide that people do not understand how we feel. We listen to our own self-damning thoughts without interruption. The voice of reason is never in the room with us. If the greatest friend of depression is solitude then the greatest enemy of depression is distraction. We should not wish for strength. We need to work hard at achieving it. We do not have to fall apart to validate our love for the deceased.
And finally – watch out for anger! If health and hurt can stay in the same room with each other – anger and health cannot. Anger is a natural emotion at the beginning but it should never stay around for too long. Anger destroys health. It’s the most destructive emotion of all! If we have difficulties with it, then we have to dedicate our resources to overcoming it. It would be easy for me to make a list of all those who did not come to the funeral or those who have yet to make contact with me. I could decide to make a list of all those people who never asked about my mother when she was sick and those who never visited her in her months of illness. That only brews anger and bubbles the pot of resentment. Death is hurtful enough. We are all imperfect. I have missed funerals too. I have sometimes forgotten to link with people in distress. Anger is natural but don’t hold onto it forever!
Life is a journey. Death is part of the reality of life. It hurts. It challenges. It stings. But when we surround ourselves with love and compassion for others, we begin the see that others are hurting too. May the healing hand of the Nazarene touch the hearts all gathered here today.